It comes crawling up on you, without you noticing it.
Suddenly you wake up and you feel like, no today ain’t gonna be my day.
That day turns to a week, that week to a month and then,
without even realizing it, you’re a few months further and you still can’t get rid of this feeling.
All you know is that you feel such a heavy weight on your shoulders.
There is always something that is going shitty in your life,
and you keep dragging it along without actually being able to do something about it.
You honestly feel like you wanna cry for help,
but everyone in your life is happy so no one is really going to care.
You feel like you’re screaming with all the energy you have left in your body,
but no one can actually hear.
It’s mentally tiring.
There is this constant need of you wanting to close your doors
and lock yourself up in your room for a long time.
When you go outside,
it’s not the same.
It’s like when you’re gathered with people they are living life with all the colors in the world,
while you’re stuck with black & white.
I genuinely don’t know what it is with me.
All I know is that there is something wrong.
No, scratch that, everything is wrong.
I feel tired, sad, fed up and angry all the time.
But most of the time, I feel lonely.
I feel replaceable.
But when someone asks you, what is going on with you and you tell them that, they would look at you and say “but no, you’re not replaceable at all, don’t feel that way!”
Well gee, thanks, you magical problem-solver.
I feel like, if I disappeared for a while,
no one would really care.
Yeah they would miss me at first, but then they would honestly get used to it and no longer search for my presence.
I am still here and I already feel like people don’t need my presence anymore.
I just want to be a priority for someone.
But I never am.
I am always the second option or not even in the list.
I care so much about people that I always prioritize them in my life,
but now, in my moments of rock bottom, I feel like it is not the same for them.
And yeah, frankly that hurts.
But honestly, I just also don’t want to bother people with my sadness, if that makes sense.
People are living their lives, being happy, why would I want to ruin that?
Even in the darkest moments, I continue to be so selfless and put other people’s needs above mine and I don’t understand why I keep doing that.
Some people are living in their bubble and I am not going to be the person to burst that and drag them in my bubble of misery,
also I strongly believe if people want to be involved in my live,
they will make some efforts.
But if they don’t then they don’t.
I’m not the type to hold any grudges.
These are my issues and my problems that I have to deal with,
and I don’t actually think that other people would help me,
if they would get involved.
I wouldn’t even know how to explain my problems.
First of all, if I would try, I wouldn’t be able to talk without bursting into tears.
That’s how shitty I feel.
I feel like utter shit.
I feel like I’m worthless.
I feel like I look like shit.
I feel like I am not attractive anymore. ( not that I’m saying I ever were )
I feel like I am not interesting anymore.
I feel ugly, fat and miserable.
And so so so lonely.
Most of the time I feel so alone,
and I feel like I am going to end up alone
and like I am not going to feel happy ever again,
even though I know this ain’t true.
I feel like I’m continuously being followed by dark clouds,
wherever I go, they are with me.
If I’m alone or with people.
And yes sometimes there is this sunshine that comes through,
but then again it becomes darker than it ever was before.
Everyone is meeting people,
going to new places,
getting in to relationships,
And all I’m doing is going backwards.
I truly don’t understand why I am feeling like this all the time.
All I feel is this mentally tiring gloom over me.
And I am genuinely so done with it.
I truly want to leave this place and go somewhere else.
Maybe the afterlife wouldn’t be that bad after all?
Maybe saying goodbye to this world would be a good thing…
I don’t know anymore.
& I don’t really care either.