Let’s talk about fears

” The cave you fear to enter, holds the treasures you seek. ” – Joseph Campbell

” The most beautiful thing about fear is, when you run to it, it runs away. ” – Robin Sharma

I haven’t written in a while and that’s because of a lot of stuff.
I had a lot of deadlines and work for school, so I didn’t want to fail those.
And also, I didn’t want to fail the readers of my blog.
I was anxious of writing something that wasn’t as good as the previous posts.

So the theme of today is fears.
My fears.
And boy, I have a lot of them.

I would lie if I said that these fears didn’t matter to me.
Because they do.
Over the years, they have influenced my life in a big way,
it’s better now, but they will always be there.
I guess it’s something that kind of follows you all your life
and just pops up at random times,
it is always there though, in the back of your mind,
never actually letting you go.

I am not going to sum up all of my fears I have in life,
but the three most important ones,
otherwise I will have to write until next week.
For me, this post is really hard to write,
letting other people know these weak spots, is scary.
It’s also an emotional post for me, because it brings a lot of memories with it.

Let’s begin.

Fear of commitment.
I don’t know why this is such a big fear of mine.
Perhaps it is because I got hurt a lot of times in the past,
and this became my defense mechanism.
Perhaps it is because I see a lot of relationships around me
that give me  the ground I need to stand on.
Or perhaps it is just because of me and no one else.
I often dealt with this, unconsciously.
I ended up sabotaging relationships so I didn’t have to deal with them.
Because maybe, being let down by people became a habit that I didn’t want deal with anymore, so it’s easier to hurt myself than let others hurt me.
I think my fear of commitment also has a lot to do with fear of getting hurt.
People often think it is silly.
Or they say ” you just haven’t met the right one yet “.
Maybe it’s true.
But maybe I’ll do the same when I meet him too.
I don’t know.
Giving someone your all and allowing that person to see you
vulnerable and flawed like that, is a really difficult thing for me
to wrap my head around it.
It requires a lot of love and commitment
and a lot of time and energy
and maybe I think that no one is going to put all their time and energy in me
like I would in them
or maybe I think no one is going to love me as hard
as I love them.
Perhaps that’s the reason I push people away.
Because I would rather be alone, depending on no one,
than give someone the opportunity to hurt me.
And I would rather be single
than having to deal with disappointment and hurt.
I have dealt with that shit too many times,
and I choose to not deal with it anymore.
I know, it’s fucked up.

Fear of abandonment.
I think this one is combined with the first fear.
When I really love someone, whether it is a friend or a lover,
I love really hard.
I’d do everything for someone I love, just because I would know that without them
my life would suck so hard.
To be honest, I don’t love a lot of people, I have a few people and that’s it.
But the thought of them leaving me, scares me so bad.
I’m known as a strong woman who handles her shit, who doesn’t get hurt.
But when it comes to this subject, I can become this weak human being
that I don’t even recognize.
And I’m just talking about friends now,
because having a relationship is the challenge of the century for me.
I don’t know.
Perhaps it’s also because people have shown me what it feels like,
to be left, to be abandoned
that I became so afraid of being left, being abandoned,
that I became so frightened of feeling that way again.
Perhaps it’s because every single time, I open up to someone,
they prove themselves not being worthy of my trust
and they give me the proof that I need, that some people are just cruel.
Some people can actually just waste your time, because they are bored.
Some people can actually tell you they love you and then leave.
Some people can actually say ” trust me ” and turn out to be shitty untrustworthy people.
Some people can actually seem honest and truthful, but eventually only tell lies.
Some people are actually just shit. 

& I think in a relationship,
when you’re beginning something new with someone,
you’re writing a new chapter
you’re building a future together,
you want a life together,
and for me this is scary.
I can’t build all that trust up in one person,
knowing that that person can leave me any moment
and take away one big chapter of my life with them.
Because,
no one guarantees you that that person won’t walk out.
No one can assure that this person is going to stay with you, even in the toughest times.
No one can make you this promise and tell you: you won’t get hurt.
That chance is always there, and I just prefer not to take it.
Kind of fucked up.

Fear of death.
This fear consumes my whole body when I even talk or write about this subject.
Death is a subject that I do not like to talk about,
whenever someone tries to, my brain just shuts down.
I’m not capable of communicating about this subject.
I think it’s probably because there is nothing actually known about death.
And I’m talking about facts, not scientific stories or religious myths.
I am a person who likes to know things.
I like to be in control of things,
but no one can be in control of death.
It just comes and I won’t even be able to know that it came.
That is so fucking creepy.
You will be removed from this world, from existence,
after having a life, having friends, having a family, having love,
It can be taken away at any moment,
and you won’t be able to do shit about it.
Where do you go?
What happens when you die?
What happens with your loved ones?
Can you come back as a ghost?
Is there a heaven and hell?
Will I go to hell?
Will I go to heaven?
Will I see my loved ones again?
There are so many unsolved questions  that make me scared out of my mind.
The not knowing part is what is so fucking frightening.
No one has died, came back and said “you don’t have to be scared, this is what happens”.
No one knows shit about this subject and that’s why I don’t like talking about it.
It is not going to calm me, if I talk about it,
because my questions will remain unanswered and
that’s fucked up.

I don’t know why.
Even when I am writing this, I can’t answer my own questions.
Why am I like this?
Was I always like this?
When did it change?

I don’t know.
Maybe I will never know.
All I know is, that it has became better over the time
and that those fears are far less present than before.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing,
yes I have lost a lot of people,
potential love stories,
unforgettable memories that could have been made.
And yes, I had to deal with a lot of hurt,
sadness and anger
because of my own fears.

But when I look at myself today,
I don’t see these losses or the hurt,
I see a happy woman,
who, yes, has a lot of issues,
but still happy.

Also it is okay,
to have your fears
whether it’s from spiders or commitment,
it doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you human.

Admitting to these fears,
also doesn’t make you weak,
it makes you strong. 

xo xo
Mida

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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