let’s talk about loss

The loss of someone you love is always going to be hard. If it’s a friend, a pet, a parent or a sibling. Nothing can be worse than losing someone you love.
Realizing that you won’t reunite with that person ever again in this world is a painful feeling that a lot of people can’t imagine. You’ll deal with anger, sadness, grief, fear, unbelief, insanity and a lot more inexplicable feelings.
It can be months or years that have passed by, that empty place in your heart and in your life will never be filled. Because nobody can replace the person you lost, nothing can replace the love you had for that person.

I lost my dad when I was 10. Today I write my first post on this blog about him.
I dedicate this to him. Today is the day I lost him, 10 years ago.

March 9.
For me it’s a cursed day; because even though it has been 10 years, I still remember every single detail of that day so vividly.
I remember I left for school that morning, not even kissing him goodbye because I was in a rush to get to school.
I remember the odd feeling I had in my stomach at 9 AM when I was in class, when I kept hearing ambulances.
I remember I saw my brother walking on the playground during the break at  10 AM and wondering what he was doing here.
I remember the teacher hugging me tight and telling me everything is going to be alright, while I still understood nothing.
I remember taking my bike from school and going home, because my brother told me to go home.
I remember arriving at the corner of my street seeing one of my dads best friends coming up to me and telling me what happened.
I remember my scream while I dropped my bike on the ground and ran inside.
I remember all the people who were inside, crying and being sad.
I remember my mom, trying to keep it together because I just ran in.

There he was.
I saw him laying there, so silently, in the hospital bed we had downstairs because he was too weak to sleep in his own room.
I saw him there.
Laying.
That’s all he did.
I remember me screaming and shaking his body.
But nothing changed.
I remember my big sister doing the same thing.
Still nothing changed.
I remember his cold body that gave no reaction to whatever we did.
I remember my daddy becoming just a cold body.
I remember me running after the car that was on its way to the cemetery..
I remember my pain.

I hoped it was all a nightmare, but I never woke up from it.

10 years later
I still remember the pain I felt that day.
Only because I still feel it every day.
No, it’s not that intense as it was 10 years ago, but it’s still there.
I still grieve over him and I don’t think that will ever change, no matter how many years go by.
But that’s okay, after all the pain and the anger and cursing the man upstairs, I accepted my fate, his fate.
Without that loss, I would’ve never become the woman that I am today.
And every day, month, year that passes without him, I only strive to be the woman that he would have been proud of.

Even though the memories fade away, I still have infinite love for my dad.
Even though he is not with me in this life, I will never forget him.
I’ll live every moment as if he’s with me and I’m doing the things that he would want me to do.

I’ll be as happy as possible, because I know that’s what he would have wanted.
I’ll be as successful as possible, because that would’ve made him proud.
I’ll be the daughter to my father that he would’ve loved with all his soul.

And the tears won’t be tears of sadness, but of joy.
Because I know I’m doing everything in my power to be the daughter that’s worthy of his last name.

And after all that anger, sadness, pain, … came acceptance.
I accept that you can’t be here with me.
I accept that you’re my guardian angel, protecting me from everything and everyone.

This post was for you, dad.
May your soul rest in peace.
I love you, forever and always.

xo xo
Mida

 

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2 thoughts on “let’s talk about loss

  1. So powerfull… so beautiful… It seems like it was yesterday…

    You did it very well and he is of course proud of you!!!!

    Big kiss
    Your big sis

    Like

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